Losing my step

Night was long, baby slept, baby woke, repeat, repeat, repeat. Forget the alarm clock then, but baby woke way too early. Lazy start to today. Restart button. Diaper changed, baby fed, husband kissed, somewhat quiet time, breakfast served, husband fed, meals planned, diaper changed, errands run, groceries bought, feeling accomplished, but the bed is still not made. Laundry washed, lunch cooked, husband, baby fed. Diaper changed, baby rocked, baby napping. Dishes rinsed, toys picked up, apartment straightened, two sentences of my book written and baby woke too early. Clothes to dry, next on to do list? Those decorating- on-a- budget projects that started months ago are still sitting.

But baby is upset, and hasn’t had much attention from me today, and there inside that little girls body is a soul that will last forever that I’m responsible for, a responsibility that trumps everything else on my to do list. But she’s fussy and if I play with her now will that just enforce bad habits? But if I leave her to cry will she feel abandoned? Will she think I don’t love her? Will that affect her in the long run? Well, I really have no idea, but I know I’m responsible for loving her so I sit and play with baby, bed still unmade, projects still waiting and try to figure out why I can’t get the hang of this mommy dance that still seems so new sometimes. This dance that I repeat again and again and again, but that tries to throw in a new step every day. Will I ever know what the answer is for how to respond to her in these every day situations? Will I ever get this dance down? But maybe getting the dance down isn’t the point…

Maybe the point is finding grace in every step, learning to give my every step to Him. Maybe it’s realizing that He’s already danced the dance of life perfectly and that He did it for me. If I seek Him, He will be faithful to guide me and sometimes I won’t seek Him and I will lose my step. But sometimes its in those moments when I lose my step that I see the Gospel more clearly. I can try my best to dance, to dance in Him, but even when I mess up, I can still enjoy the dance and come bold to the One who danced it perfectly, because that’s the Gospel. I never have to live guilty. Not because He’s accepted my imperfect dance, but because He’s accepted the Son’s perfect dance as mine. I don’t have to bear all the responsibility for the weight of raising this soul. He’s in my yoke with me and as I rely on Him, He will push the yoke for me. And with Him here, I can enjoy this dance and even when my sight comes off of Him and I lose my step, I can dance on boldly before Him pouring out my every need, trusting that He’ll work out my failures for good… even when the bed is still unmade.

My prayer is that you find God's grace pouring through your insecure moments. In this audio series, you'll receive a few quiet minutes of encouragement each month free in your email inbox. I hope it helps you find sweet gifts inside the feelings.

How to Plan Neglect: Saying No to Good Things So We Can Say Yes to the Best

How to Plan Neglect: Saying No to Good Things So We Can Say Yes to the Best

The Blessing of Insecurities

Hello dear friends! Yesterday marked two years since my first blogpost on this site. Two years of writing here has been so life giving for me. Thank you so much for reading! You give purpose to this space. So, in honor of that, I wanted to revamp and share once again the first post I wrote on the blessing of insecurities. Love you all!


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“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

Sitting in a pew in the corner of the auditorium I strained to try to make out his words. David Ring had cerebral palsy. He told of the struggle his life had been, but he stood in front of us and identified his handicap as his thorn in the flesh, his weakness, that would make God’s grace shine through even more. I’ll always remember that service. I had walked into that room feeling weighed down by my insecurities. I had felt like they held me back. I saw them as my limitations. But that was the day I first realized that my insecurities do not have to limit me. They are a blessing of grace. If this man with cerebral palsy could have such an impact standing in front of so many people trying so hard to get his words out than I could have an impact too, not only despite being shy, but because of it. I was in a whole new world to realize that there’s a world of people out there who struggle with feelings of inadequacy too and I just like David Ring am in a position to have an influence that no one else in the world has. Because of my weaknesses, because of my position, I can have a unique opportunity to make an impact. The fact that I sometimes feel insecure does not make me useless. Insecure moments have been divinely allowed in my life to make me useful.

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Found in Him I am, and that is where my identity lies, but when my mind isn’t set on Him, I always go to my safety zone where I don’t have to risk rejection, where I believe I can hold to some worth, and forget that all my worth is only in Him. I do think that my insecure moments are gifts that He allows in my life because it only makes His grace more apparent.

Insecurities are a reminder. When I start to become proud in my accomplishments, my mind comes off of Him and onto me and there, focused on me, I will always struggle with being shy, with fearing rejection. Insecure feelings always bring me back to earth and remind me again that, mind set on me, I will find no true worth. Insecurities help me remember that.

Insecurities are a memorial, a memorial of me without Him. I struggle sometimes to share my insecurities, to fear that I will be rejected if only in someone’s mind. But because of that struggle, His grace shows through and I am found in beautiful grace. In the insecure moments, I have that memorial of life without grace and it reminds me to turn to Him to give thanks.

Insecurities are a connection, a connection to a world that wants desperately to find a place. I know those feelings. My shy moments give me a peek into the hearts of those around me who can’t see Truth. Those moments give me compassion because I understand those feelings of worthlessness. Yet, I have found worth in Christ, and I can testify to that. My insecurities connect me to a lost world that needs Jesus.

Insecurities are an invitation. And I am given this freedom: I can respond to them in fear and refuse the invitation, or I can respond to them in faith and receive it. Sometimes I am shy still. I choose the fear and I am swayed by opinions. But (Mt. 22:16) Jesus lived unswayed by opinions in my place. He fulfilled the perfect response to insecurities because I never could. He has given me grace in taking my identity of shy away forever with His own death, and allowing me to live the risen life with a new identity of righteous and victorious. It is faith in this grace that can guide me along to live in that truth. His wonderful grace has covered my imperfect response. He has given me grace for the insecurities, yet the insecurities, themselves, are an invitation to His grace.

It is in weakness that His power is made perfect, and marvelously, He uses the weakness of my insecurities to glorify Himself. His grace is sufficient for my weakness and I can boast in that. Because the Holy Spirit uses imperfect people and not only does He use them, He uses their imperfections. And if He uses imperfections then praise be! He has a lot to use in me.

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My prayer is that you find God's grace pouring through your insecure moments. In this audio series, you'll receive a few quiet minutes of encouragement each month free in your email inbox. I hope it helps you find sweet gifts inside the feelings.