Today, I need to write if only because it gives my soul room to breathe, if only because it feels as necessary to my life as eating, as if Someone has programmed me that way. Because life can feel like such a balance and writing helps to release something inside me under the strain of it and to understand the strain itself. Because I want to be relational enough and responsible enough, with enough sincerity and enough integrity. I want to savor the moments with my girlies in this fleeting stage of their lives, and just when I’m really enjoying it, the fear creeps in that I’m falling behind on other aspects of life. That there’s other callings God has for me too and what if I miss them? Maybe I try to live more like a black and white graph than an artistic portrait. Because I am beautifully and wonderfully made, someone who God designed to live His own beauty through. And maybe what I need is not more time, but a simple focus to live into and some artistic limits placed around it to protect it from the things that try to make me feel bossed around… a conscious affirmation of the first things God has called me to this year and a commitment to move, even if it’s just one little baby step a day in the direction of the other things I feel I must move towards.
As someone who often feels pulled in different directions in the middle of wanting to fulfill my first calling for this season of life to be full time mommy to my little babies and wanting to fulfill the other things in life I feel called towards, I have let myself be pushed around by fear. And in the knowledge of that I have to change my complicated goals for the year to the simple: I want to dive all in and get my hair wet in my role as mommy. I want to do the things I’ve dreamed of, to teach them with passion and live fully there in the adventure with them. And for the other things I feel called towards I’m working on forming the habit of committing just a few short minutes a day to each of them, and being willing to rest them there. I long for the chunks of time to spend on those things but I never get anywhere because most days that just isn’t a reality for me. And it can feel like the things inside me (the callings, the talents, the desires, the avenues of service) where I think the Spirit inside of me needs to come out are at war with each other, bossing me around in the middle. And I believe that feeling is an alert to me to be intentional with the ways I choose to live Love.
This year I’m deciding to be intentional about my wife and mommy calling. Even though I have arrived here at a young age, it’s still true that I’ve spent years dreaming of being here and having the privilege to help my husband and teach my children. This is where I’ve wanted to be. I do have other callings in life, but I don’t have to be at war between callings. If I can just take one little baby step a day towards the other things and run head on in the main direction God is calling me, I don’t have to feel pushed around by these things. These are my goals for this year and being intentional about choosing a life focus feels so freeing.
Maybe you can relate to some aspect of this? Whether you’ve felt pushed around by your callings or not, may we be intentional about the ways we choose to live Love this year. May we choose those things that are most important and rebuke the fear that we’ll miss other callings. Those are the fears the enemy wants us to entertain. That’s how he messes with us and tries to get our focus off of the main thing God is trying to do with our lives. May we not get distracted with the ways we think the Spirit should be coming out of us and be bold to put the fears aside. May we strive to live Love just as Love wants to live in us. No more and no less.